Heartbreak Boys by Simon James Green

Author:Simon James Green [Green, Simon James]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Scholastic
Published: 2020-08-05T18:30:00+00:00

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

JACK

They’ve put Elliot on last, which means they either think he’s brilliant and fit to end the show, or he’s the joke act that everyone will have a good laugh at. I really hope it’s the former. Elliot has lost none of his wide-eyed enthusiasm, and I can’t stand the thought of people laughing at him. But my fear is real, because there have been a number of very good acts so far, some of which could definitely take the top prize, if only because of the power of the sympathy vote. Clara Jenkins and Doris the Dancing Dog are obviously hot contenders, being as everyone (inexplicably) loves a dancing dog, although I don’t see the appeal myself. Clara and Doris even have panto in Worthing this year, so things are really looking exciting for them right now (in the words of the compère). Meanwhile, a group of fifteen children have just performed a street dance act which looks like every other street dance act you’ve ever seen, so they also stand a chance, especially since they dedicated their performance to someone’s dead aunt. Clever tactic.

And now it’s Elliot. He comes onstage wearing a duffel coat and scarf, even though it’s summer and really hot in here, and gets an instant laugh. When he gets his ukulele out, he gets another laugh, I guess because those things are automatically funny.

“This is dedicated to Carolyn,” he says into the microphone. “I loved Carolyn very much, but sadly, she is no longer with us.”

There’s an “ahhh” of sympathy from the crowd.

“Me and Carolyn shared many good times, and everyone at school would wonder why I loved Carolyn so much, and I would tell them, ‘She’s the air that I breathe, she gives me life, my everything.’” He nods at the audience. “Which is true, because Carolyn was my Ventolin inhaler for my asthma, when I was ten. And this is a song I wrote, just for her…”

At which point, no word of a lie, he starts this song about his Ventolin inhaler, which includes the immortal chorus:

“Ohhhh, when my chest is tight,

And breathing is a fight,

I grab my trusty puffer,

So I no longer suffer!

Oh, Carolyn, Oh, Carolyn,

My sweet supply of Ventolin,

Generically salbutamol,

Expand my airways,

Make me well!”

The audience does not know how to take him at first, and in fairness, it’s weird and it’s somewhat “out there” – I mean, he’s in a duffel coat, singing about asthma, but from gradual nervous titters and odd chuckles at first, they actually start really enjoying it, and I have to admit, you get swept away in Elliot’s sweet enthusiasm for his inhaler and the geekiness of the whole song. Plus, he wrote it himself, and while some of the scansion is an exercise in linguistic contortion, it is hilariously enjoyable.

Nate actually whoops.

And that is the biggest expression of delight I’ve seen out of him since we started this sorry trip.

I get my phone out and take a few pics. It’s reasonably dark in here,

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